Having a positive attitude isn’t the easiest thing for me to maintain. My positive attitude has needed constant adjustment and tuning. CONSTANT.
I’m a pretty deep emotional thinker. I take it to the level of pure empathetic reflection, I sit in it, drown in it. Emotion overwhelms me and takes me selfishly for a long journey, whether I want to or not. This is a life long battle for the moment. All this effort IS improving the balance of happiness while visiting emotional topics in my life. Not drowning in them has definitely gotten better over the years.
Learning to identify the SOURCE of the fear has helped me the most.
F E A R !
The major culprit in my life that troubles me so. It comes from many places. Abuse, abandonment, strict religious teachings, unfortunate mishaps, broken relationships, people taking advantage of me, etc. But why does this fear stick around? Why can’t I just let these things go?
Fear is a mechanism that our brain uses to warn us of trouble. When we feel fear, it’s a warning. When we are hurt deeply, our body, nerves, emotions remembers the pain. That causes fear. I have felt so much fear in my life for so many different reasons and on so many different levels, it became all jumbled up into one big icky ball. There was no way I could discern which was abandonment fear and which was fear of failure.
It has taken some really scary situations in my life for me to even look at fear face to face, and ya know, I was relieved when I could look at it. It wasn’t pretty. But looking into it’s ugly face and saying “I can see you” really helped me to notice when that feeling came up. Once I was able to see the fear for what it was, I was able to spend some time FEELING the fear. YES, all these years I have been trying to avoid fear and it’s demons, and no way in hell would I embrace the feeling it trapped me in. Recently, I not only wanted to look into its eyes, I wanted it to touch me so that I could feel it. How does it feel within me? Does it make my heart beat faster? Does it cause me to get a lump in my chest or throat? Does it make the hair on my arms stand up? Will my body be tense? Do I clinch my fists? Do I want to cry? Each fear has different physical characteristics. And those different characteristics help me to identify the source of these fears that have limited and governed so many of my choices in life.
I’m still dancing with fear. It’s a love hate relationship. And if it were up to me, fear would be revealed to me, then disappear by merely seeing its existence. Until then, I will continue to explore this party crasher with meditation, compassion and as much grace as I can muster. I invite you to explore the fear in your life in hopes that it will set you free. Once an for all.